When Your Parents Dictate How Your Family Eats
…it can suck. I love cooking. And I love cooking healthful meals, ones that tend to be plant-leaning. But my husband doesn’t like it as much. He also doesn’t like leafy-green heavy meals. My son is more neutral, but my parents, who often eat with us, really discourage it, and I really think that it’s stepping into boundaries. I’m not sure they understand boundaries the same way I do. It’s likely cultural as well as generational. Despite being very well-educated, they also don’t seem to understand nutrition the same way. Like the whole plant thing. They also think I obsess too much on ingredient/label-reading. Well, I DO use more “convenience” foods than they do, so it’s important to know what’s in the sauces and other jarred/canned foods I buy. I also want to know sodium levels. It’s not an obsession. It’s being smart.
We eat a lot together and they like bringing their food (we live in the same building). They claim that my son likes their stuff more than mine (not necessarily true - he’s already said he likes my vegetarian pasta dishes) and that their food is “more nutritious.” Why? Because it has meat? It’s giving me a lot of stress. And it’s nothing new. They’ve been this way since my son was starting solids. And that was a million years ago (my son is almost six)! They were completely against baby led weaning (which I believe I have talked about here), telling me that it’s important for him to eat more since he’s light in proportion to his height (the doctor says he’s fine. He’s growing on his curve. This tells me that being smaller framed/lighter is just…how he’s built!). And, of course, the whole choking/gagging situation. I told them that it was important for a child to feel the food and understand its texture, so small bites rather than purées are extremely important (plus it’s important for them to learn now NOT to rely on others to help them eat). Beans need to look like beans (note: he loves air fryer “bean fries”). Carrots can’t be orange mush. It’s pretty obvious. Isn’t it? But my parents, especially my mom, didn’t get it. It’s an old mindset.
Did I win? Nope. Did SHE win? Nope. We ended up doing a mix of BLW and feeding. But the feeding part delayed his eating independence. To this day, he would NOT eat independently if his grandparents are here. And that really bothers me. I mean REALLY. We constantly remind him that big kids eat by themselves. He’ll have a few bites that way, but I think my parents encourage the feeding part. And he loves to bargain with my dad on the number of bites he should eat. I get eating should be fun, but there’s a little bit of forced feeding here. And that can lead to disordered eating. I’ve already told my parents not to ever mention dieting or weight in front of him. Boys can have body image issues as well. And that’s discussed less than with girls.
The only good thing about them sharing THEIR food with us is that my husband likes the food (most of the time, anyway). Though what I DON’T like is how THEIR food gives me food anxiety. Its presence is tempting me to eat their food and my stomach often doesn’t agree with it, especially when there’s overcooked beef. I’ve suggested that they make it less often, but they’re not listening. They just tell me to not eat it. I can’t not eat it if I see it. My brain doesn’t work that way. I just don’t want to SEE it. Plus having the food around makes it more difficult for me to experiment with recipes I see online. I want to make tacos, quesadillas. I want to do lentil “meatloaf” and sloppy Joes. Sheet pan stuff. I also want to make some old favourites like turkey meat sauce over baked sweet potatoes (plus that would be something my husband would like). Why don’t I ask them to make that? It’s complicated. They have help and that person doesn’t speak English well. I just want all of this to end. I want my family to eat MY food. They’re mostly against it. The boundaries I want to set aren’t working. It’s almost as if they’re dictating how I should parent/run my family.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful at times for the help, especially as school starts and my son has after school activities. It’ll give me more time to take him. But I just want some more freedom on how my family eats. And for now, that’s not happening. And setting boundaries is even MORE challenging. I’m not sure there’s anything I can do about it. Especially when my dad constantly tells me I just need to learn to control my food anxiety. This is something I need to do once step at a time. And right now, seeing it is not something I can do.