Family, Neurodivergence and Mental Health Awareness
I was recently chatting with a family member, telling them that I’m likely on the spectrum. I told them how girls who grew up in the 80s and 90s were far less likely to be flagged for testing than boys and educators’ knowledge of autism spectrum disorder was not as advanced (I WAS, however, diagnosed as ADHD, but not to the point that meds were necessary. These days, I feel I was misdiagnosed). She kept on telling me that I was NOT on the spectrum/neurodiverse (I didn’t tell her about my ADHD) and that symptoms can “mean anything.” I’m comfortable seeing myself as possibly on the spectrum (I haven’t decided whether I’ll actually go forward with testing) and found her comment a bit offensive.
I get that she was trying to make me think that I’m “normal,” but why? Likely a cultural thing (it’s not a generational issue since she is also a 40-something). It’s still not uncommon to hide issues from the general public (not that it’s NOT unheard of in North American society either). But hiding just puts more stress on people. If you’re neurodivergent, you could make yourself sick trying to be neuronormative. I don’t think she understood that. I’m also pretty open about seeing a therapist, which she thinks is weird. She told me she didn’t trust them and that they’re really only there to tell you that you have issues. While I know that East Asian cultures are miles behind mental health awareness, hearing it (or rather, reading it, since it was via text) is extremely shocking. I thought people my age would be more…aware…especially people who spent a few years living in a western country. I guess I was wrong.
I’m a little sad that she feels this way. I worry about her children. If she tells her kids that they’re not really XYZ when they are, how would they react? Will they fake it? Honestly, how good is it for mental health? It’s not that great to pretend you’re something when you’re not. I spend enough time on the Asian Parent Stories subreddit to know - so many of the writers talk about how their parents force them to major in certain subjects (usually something STEM or healthcare-related) and they prefer to do something else. Because that’s who they are and what they like. It’s not really that healthy to be something or someone you don’t have that much of a passion for. Especially when you’re spending so much money on it! I guess I should have figured she’d be this way - some of the subreddit posters are in their late teens and as a 40-something, I’m old enough to be their mom! In other words, they could have parents who are my age. Or even younger.
In any case, do you think this family member is kind of…toxic? I know it isn’t my place since she’s so far away, but should I worry about her kids? Or is this just a cultural thing and since we don’t talk much/aren’t super close, just ignore it? Or should it be a teachable moment for her? In my opinion, ignoring one’s mental health is like women my age not getting regular mammograms for example. You just don’t do that. Should I have said something more?
I have worked with families who have members on the spectrum, and I have a loved one who I am sure is on the autism spectrum as well. I wrote a few articles that relate, and if you’re interested I can share the titles. As I told my family member, it doesn’t matter so much what you call it (they didn’t want a label), we need to learn to navigate their unique wiring as well as possible. My background is in Rehabilitation Counseling, so I bring this perspective.