To Tell or Not to Tell: A Question About Donor Conception

Pretty much the whole world knows that my son is donor-conceived (and carried by a gestational surrogate). I’ve been pretty out about that. And have no shame. He knows (though whether he chooses to share this with his friends is up to him) and our immediate family members and most close friends know too. Others only know that about the surrogacy part. But there are those out there who think that what I’m doing is, well, TMI, and that this is something that should be kept secret, even from the child.

Image courtesy of arloo/Shutterstock

The general accepted philosophy is to tell children as soon as possible. Even read stories about your journey to parenthood as soon as they’re born. It’s no different from adoption. In many social media groups for donor conception, it’s important to even connect with the donors themselves. For others, especially those from more traditional cultures, the preference is NOT to connect, and in some cases, even disclose. I am definitely NOT in agreement with NOT disclosing to a child at all. It’s only going to end badly in those cases. You don’t want to be that parent who is no longer in contact with your child because they chose to go No Contact after getting upset at you for never telling them! You want a good relation ship with your kid(s).

I really don’t understand why one shouldn’t disclose. Or even form a relationship with the donors. Our donors are anonymous, so we’re going to respect that (though if my son wants to do an AncestryDNA or 23andMe test in the future, I’m game with that too), and the only reason why we’d like to know about his donors is for health reasons. But there are other tests out there that would do the trick. And to be fair, most people don’t even know what they’re most at risk for without testing themselves. But to NOT tell a child? That doesn’t seem fair, does it? I get that for some cultures, it’s important to appear as “normal” as possible, but what’s “normal” to begin with? If a family has two dads or two moms, does it mean that the family isn’t “normal” because the child is likely genetically connected to one parent (if not adopted)? That hardly seems fair or acceptable in today’s society. At least not in Canada.

I know that it’s hard for some cultures to understand this. When we were looking for donors, we had considered an egg donor and use my husband’s sperm. But we were told that East Asian egg donors were hard to find due to culture. One donor we considered wrote in her profile that she would only be telling her sister that she was doing it because her mom “wouldn’t understand.”

Sociocultural stigma also plays a significant role in the underrepresentation of Asian egg donors. In many Asian cultures, there is a strong emphasis on genetic continuity and the importance of using one’s genetic material for reproduction. This cultural belief can deter potential donors from coming forward, as they may fear judgment or misunderstanding from their communities (ivfminnesota.com)

Bear in mind that most Asian Canadians are no more than two generations removed from the old country and many are still very traditional and worried about shame. After all, immigration here didn’t open up to a wider range of countries until 50-something years ago. Many years ago, I watched a program where they interviewed a couple in Japan who faked a pregnancy when they were adopting. Not surprising, considering this kind of view.

As I said, my son knows his story. But yes, I’ve been criticized for disclosing at such an early age. Or at all. I am not ashamed for doing so and I personally believe that it’s good to know. It’s tough when you’re a child of immigrants and have one foot in one culture and another in a different one. I already have it easier than some people, but it’s still hard. And stressful, to be honest. This is why I’m often angry. Boundaries are hard to set for many people from my ancestral heritage because historically, there was no such thing. I have also been criticized for even offering this perspective on several donor conception groups on social media. They have a “my so or the highway” philosophy and refuse to acknowledge that there are cultural differences on why some people might only tell SOME family members and not others. Heck, there are people who will only keep it within the nuclear family. I do not think anyone wouldn’t tell their child these days. That just doesn’t seem ethnical. At all.

So readers, what would you do? How open would you be in a similar situation? Just within the family? Would you tell close friends? Would you, like me, WRITE about it?